How to Hide A Dead Body

I tried to hide a dead body once. Ironically, my first experience was myself.

It was difficult. My eyes refused to stay shut everytime i died, which honestly creeped me out. I also too heavy to carry on my own, at that point i couldn’t decide whether to bury myself or just keep the body in the freezer.

My dead body smelled like fried chicken, which was embarassing considering it was the last thing i ate. My hair kept falling out in clumps , disgusting honestly. And everytime i tried to hide the body in a freezer, it never froze — it burn slowly instead, like the body itself refused to be preserved.

When i was alive, exercise and i had a complicated relationship. That’s probably why the body was so hard to carry.

Until i came to this one decision;

I refused to have a funeral. I wasn’t emotionally prepared for people staring at my dead body while i looked that ugly. It felt unnecessary, if i had to die the least thing i could do was avoid turning it into my final performance review.

I am an introverted person. I prefer things quiet, even this.

Another real problem is i never wore make-up when i was alive, i barely showered, even rarely changed my clothes — i just … wasn’t ready for final judgment of my face. Really.

If i knew i was going to die, i would’ve at least put on make-up, worn my best clothes, and fixed my hair properly. Most importantly, i would never die in some embarassing position. Absolutely no way i’m dying with my eyes wide open or with snot still in my nose.

Death itself wasn’t even the problem. Dying ugly was. Which is ironic, considering i had plenty of time to fix that while i was alive and i chose not to.

No one really teaches you how to hide a dead body, especially when it’s your own. Some people bury theirs in work, some bury theirs in jokes, and i write about mine instead.

But i’m going to tell you all what is the funniest part of hiding your own dead body. So the best thing about hiding my dead body is that i can be alive and dead at the same time. It’s comforting in strange way. Whenever i wish myself dead, i remember i already am — but if suddenly i want to feel alive again, i still can.

I can still eat hamburgers in the corner of my messy room and pretend that counts as living.

It’s fun you know. You should try it at least once in your lifetime.